I went to the doctors today. Got a physical, got my blood tested, caught up with needed vaccinations, the whole nine yards really. I’m healthy — cholesterol, blood pressure (and hyper tension runs in my family), blood sugar levels, sodium, I’m even living with out my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I’ve cut down my drinking so much, to pretty much a glass of wine or a beer, I’ve cut down my smoking to one a month, maybe 2 tops a month. My marijuana use is world’s different, I use nowhere as much as I used to about a year ago. I’m healthy. But. I’m still overweight.
I have no real clue why this bothers me so much. I’ve pretty much always been overweight. Yeah I’ve had a few other health problems to deal with, but it’s never bothered me that much.
I’m pathetic, I’m healthy… but I’m not satisfied with that. This is definitely insecurity — but over what? I’m I just tired of the same old story over and over, every time I go to the doctors. Is this some sort of vanity thing? Is it that I’ve been able to overcome milestones in my life but this?
I’m so tired how my weight fluctuates so damn much. I’ve changed my diet. Tried working out as much I can, even though my sleep pattern is all over the place due to my relatively new job. Is this my stress? More than likely. I’m so damn stressed. There’s nothing wrong with my thyroid … even had my blood tested for that, is it my genes then? It could possibly play a crucial factor in this, but I’ve done it before.. starved myself before.. I once was both anorexic and bulimic. Yeah, I had eating disorders before. What didn’t help was SO damn many people complimented how GREAT I was looking.
But I didn’t want to starve anymore, I didn’t want to purge anymore, I didn’t want to nor can dedicate 5 hrs to the gym everyday. Now, I feel I might be on the opposite end — eating my feelings, and binging. Eating disorder after eating disorder. And ironically, I’ve kept things for the most part at bay, and I’m “healthy”. I just want to be healthy and fit too. Or at least fitter. I’m not saying I want to be skinny, I like being a little chubby, but I’m not a “little” chubby anymore, not to me anyways.
I want to drop a few waist sizes. I’m so much stronger than I look, but I look nowhere near like it. Damn societies demands for being trim, and damn the gay societies unruly emphasis on it as well as being tone as all hell. I don’t want to worry about the way I look, I didn’t mind the way I looked until all the snide, passive-aggressive, and at times aggressive comments.
This is ridiculous. I can’t believe I’m so insecure about my weight. First world problems at its best. God, help me grant myself peace. I’ve come so far in my journey of health. I just want to be happy with it.
“An anthropologist proposed a game to children in an african tribe. He put a basket full of fruit near a tree and told the children that whoever got there first won the sweet fruits. When he told them to run, they all took eachothers hands and ran together, then sat together enjoying their treats.
When he asked them why they had run like that when one could have had all the fruits for himself, they said ‘UBUNTU, how can one of us be happy if all the others are sad?’ (‘UBUNTU’ in the Xhosa culture means: ‘I am because we are)”
Some people were a little confused so I made this.
Good, I thought I was the only one to think this
where u at
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